Finally Finished!

Today is the first day since I started high school in September of 2007 that I have nothing to do.
And I mean nothing to do.

Since I started high school there was aways an assignment to do or a book to read. In the summers off of high school I worked or was auditioning for university. After I graduated from high school in 2011 I got a second job and worked from 11am-2am almost every day!

In January of 2012 I started college at Metalworks Institute. And since then, almost every day (including summers) I was in school. There was always a song to rehearse, a musical instrument sound or range to memorize, and an era to study. Half of 2012 I still had the two jobs. And come the end of 2013 I had two jobs again.

Since January I've taken classes on singing, sight reading, culture and history, acoustics, MIDI, computer software composing, theory and composing, studio techniques, ear training, business, songwriting, music production, percussion, audio post production, and ensemble band.

I started out with 18 people, and lost 4 along the way. I wish them the best with their future endeavours whether they be music related or not. To the 13 others who stuck through this with me, some are like myself and aren't graduating but we finished the program and became such a close group of friends, and we are there to support each other.

On the topic of me not graduating, I'm okay with this. I went to the school to learn, and I learned more than I could imagine. I will take that and roll with it. I don't regret the last 2 years either.

Last night after our final performance, I was driving back into Burlington and I felt a strange feeling of weightlessness. I don't have anything weighing down on me anymore. The constant feeling of "of shit there's something I need to do".

Today I got to lazily get out of bed. I've worn my onesie all day. I had a hot chocolate and wrapped presents. Made a Caesar and some cheesy nachos and then had dinner with my brother, mom and step dad which is a rare occasion when we all eat together.

I just finished watching Mulan and I'm feeling really good that today I got to do nothing. Sometimes doing nothing is exactly what you need.

Where do I go?

I had my first singing exam this morning. I forgot all the lyrics to the first song and butchered my vocal exercises...

After my exam, my teacher asked me if this is what I want to do with my life.....

Well I feel like I've been hit by a transport truck!

I want to sing and act for the rest of my life, yes. But there are so many others things I want to do. I feel like I need to do! But I'll do a whole post about that later

I'm only 20. And this whole year has been such a write off I don't even think it counts. I feel like I was paralysed all year and had to watch everyone around me do what they do! 

Well so far I have from January to July of next year to figure something out... I either go back to school, or I go to Europe. Fingers crossed

2:30a

In the wee morning hours of a Thursday in November

So this is my first official blog post.

It's almost 2:30am.
By the time I finish writing thing it'll probably be past that.

I can't sleep.
I just had a panic attack and I've been crying for the last 10 minutes.

I'm just so beyond stressed. Beyond stressed to the point when my mental health is very unstable right now. Not to mention it's causing me to break out all over my face which lowers my self esteem every morning...

My two full years at school are coming to an end. However, with that comes a million and one things to do. I am one person with a limited amount of time. I cannot do all of these things. Myself, like many others in my major, have decided to take on what we believe we will excel in, what projects we want to do and let the others falter a bit. It's not like I'm graduating anyways...

Here is a list of things I need to do in the next 8 days:

• Rehearse and perform the choral piece "Seasons of Love" from RENT
• Write and record the music to 9 minutes of the film AVATAR
• Orchestrate the AVATAR score into all the cues for theory class
• Write and record a 'hit song' for song writing class
• Finish editing and mixing a song I recorded in the studio
• Write and rehearse 3 news songs with the band for ensemble class
• Write a biography for business and study for a business test
• Pick 4 songs for Musicianship exam
• Rehearse 4 songs, 15 scales and 21 vocal exercises for the jury adjudication
• Study for my 10 exams coming in the first week of December

How about no.

Of that list I was going to pick what I deemed the most important and roll with those assignments. Primarily my singing assignments take top rank because I am a singing major, the other classes I have are just classes they put in the curriculum because they believed it would make us well rounded in the music industry. 

Now that seems like some sound logic to me, though the Avatar assignment, is worth 20% in one class, 40% in another class and 100% in a third class. ONE assignment worth 160% spread between 3 classes. 

One of those classes (the 40% one) is Music Theory. I excel in music theory and I'm very proud of it, it's one of the only things musically I am proud of. If I don't complete the AVATAR assignment, I will fail theory this semester. I have passed every semester with high 80s and 90s. If I fail in my last semester I don't know what I'm going to do. It's just something that is important to me. 

So, laying in bed just now I was thinking "okay, I'll work really hard on Avatar. Even if I don't get the whole scene together I can at least write the orchestration and pass theory" but neither of those classes are one of my 3 primary vocal classes. And I don't know 60% of the things I will be tested on for my jury. I really need to rehearse. I can't take away from my rehearsal time to write the music to Avatar. 

The problem has become I care more about exceeding in classes that aren't my primaries and I'm failing in what I really went to school to do, which is SING!

I'm struggling, I'm drowning!

I've never given up on anything in my life. And I keep telling myself that I gave up here. But I didn't!

I DIDN'T!

I was pushed so far and something had to give. 

On top of school stress I have depression (the more stressed I am the worse it gets. So you can imagine how low my days have been these past few months) and I have personal life stress. Like my future, and working two jobs and maybe going back to school for something new.

I couldn't handle the pressure I put on myself. And I admit I do pressure myself. I am my own worst enemy and nothing I do is ever good enough for myself. It's hard not being able to live up to my own expectations.

All of the above is a terrible recipe for disaster. And disaster has struck, here are 2:55am on a Thursday in November.

I AM NOT FREE! I AM IN A PRISON AND I'M DROWNING. I CANNOT ESCAPE.